


from the starting line

by possumdnp



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Family, M/M, post-coming out universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 19:16:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20314639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/possumdnp/pseuds/possumdnp
Summary: Dan and Phil visit Dan’s family for the first time in a post-coming out universe.





	from the starting line

**Author's Note:**

> (Note that this has been a work in progress for quite a while and was written before Dan posted about going to his granddad’s birthday, so forgive any timeline inaccuracies!)

“If I run into a single person I know, I swear to god I’m using you as a human shield.”

“Your mum?” Phil says, which he honestly hadn’t meant as a joke, but it makes Dan bark out a laugh. By happy accident, it cuts through the tension that’s been building ever since they left for the train station that afternoon.

“Maybe not her. Anyone else though, I’m fucking out of here.”

Phil hums softly and walks his fingers over to Dan’s knee. “I’d be your shield anytime.”

“Okay then, Edward Cullen.”

Phil lets his hand rest on Dan’s knee, a steady point of contact and comfort for both of them. He goes back to staring out the window, watching as houses and pastures fly past them. He’s been on this route enough times that he knows they’ll be arriving in about five minutes.

He knows Dan’s nervous as hell about today, but Phil’s stomach also feels like it’s being twisted into knots, and his palms feel sweaty and gross. This is a big day for both of them.

There’s nothing to be truly scared about, not really. Dan’s told his family the truth over email, and they’d watched his video (even though he’d told them not to), so they’re not about to have any huge surprises thrown at them today. They now know that Dan’s gay, that his school years had been rougher than he’d ever let on to them, that he’s been with Phil for almost a decade. And after all of that, Dan’s mum had invited them over, and had told them how she was looking forward to seeing them both. Phil thinks it’s a sign that today’s going to go well.

Despite that, they can’t help but be nervous. Dan is living his truth, but in some ways, it’s easier to do that in front of a faceless mass of millions of online followers than it is to the handful of people who’ve known you since you were born. If a few thousand random followers unsubscribe, well, he didn’t want them anyway. But Dan’s already cut ties with his father, and Phil’s held him through enough tearful, sleepless nights to know how hard it was on him.

And Phil’s going to be meeting Dan’s family as The Boyfriend for the first time. It’s… an unusual situation, to be sure. He doesn’t know what feels more awkward. Is it the fact that Dan’s family already knows him pretty well (and has for nearly a decade, but as The Best Friend)? Or is it the fact that he’s never actually had the experience of being introduced to a boyfriend’s family before as The Boyfriend? None of his other relationships back in uni were serious enough for that. So this is a new experience for both of them, really.

Phil’s stomach twists horribly with anxiety just thinking about it, and he tries to combat it with a breathing exercise he’s learned in therapy. He counts as he breathes in and out, and focusing on the numbers is soothing.

His counting is briefly interrupted by an announcement coming over the intercom, letting everyone know that they’re due to arrive at the station in a minute. And with that, the anxiety claws at his insides like a feral animal. He grabs Dan’s hand and gives it a quick squeeze.

“Everything’s going to be fine,” Phil says, and he’s not sure who he’s trying to convince more.

Dan’s mum is waiting for them on the platform. Dan had told her not to bother, that they could just take an Uber, but she had insisted. The second she spots them, she heads their way, weaving around the other passengers on the platform.

“Dan,” she says, and then wraps him in a hug. Dan’s hands twitch by his sides for a moment before he returns the hug.

“It’s good to see you, Mum,” he mumbles into her shoulder, almost too quietly for Phil to hear.

She releases him, and then turns to Phil, giving him a quick hug. “I can’t believe you’ve put up with this one,” she flips her gaze to her own son, “for so long.”

_“Mum.”_

“I don’t know how I’ve done it either,” says Phil, smiling.

“Well, come on then. Your grandparents are at home. They’re very excited to see you again.”

They load their suitcase into the boot of the car (just one, since they’re only staying for a single night, and going on several world tours has taught them how to pack light). After a brief moment of indecision, Dan slides into the backseat next to Phil, instead of up front in the passenger seat. Phil notices that he’s still hanging onto their shared backpack like it’s a life raft. His fingers continually fidget with the straps. Phil wonders if Dan’s nerves made him forget that he could’ve put it in the back with their suitcase, or if it’s a force of habit from always keeping it on them when they’re out and about.

Karen has never been a particularly talkative woman. She’s introverted like they are, but the sort of introvert who only talks when she’s got something to say. So Phil was definitely not expecting her to chatter to them the entire way home.

Next to him, Dan raises an eyebrow at Phil and flicks his gaze to the front seat. He doesn’t have to say a word to get his meaning across, but Phil shrugs and digs his phone out of his pocket anyway, opening up the notes app. It’s the little game they play when they want to talk but are in Ubers or sitting in boring business meetings.

_my mum’s acting weird,_ types Dan into a new note.

_she’s probably as nervous as we are,_ Phil types back.

_what do I even say she’s talking about the weather now she hasn’t said anything about it_

“Have you brought your raincoats?” Karen says, interrupting their silent conversation.

“Oh, er, might’ve forgotten them at home,” Phil says.

“Well, I suppose that’s okay. There’s enough to do inside anyway!” She then points out the window at the building they’re passing. “Look, Dan, they’ve started adding a new science wing to your old school. Oh. I mean-”

The atmosphere in the car has gone noticeably tense. Dan’s suddenly got a death grip on Phil’s phone, and Phil can see in the rearview mirror that Karen has gone pale.

“I’m- Dan. I’m sorry. I never knew. You should have said something back then. I mean, no. It’s not your fault. I should’ve-”

“It’s _fine,”_ says Dan. Phil watches as he twists his backpack strap around his fingers so tightly that his knuckles turn white.

The rest of the drive is in stilted silence. Normally, Phil would take over, making inane small talk about some safe topic. It’s what he does best, especially when Dan’s feeling tense. He hates awkward silences. But this feels like uncharted territory, and it suddenly seems like speaking is impossible.

“We’re here,” Karen says finally, breaking the tension. Her voice is overly cheery as she pulls into the driveway. “I can get your bag for you, or-”

“We got it, Mum,” says Dan, and his voice is flat.

She looks like she wants to say something, but just blinks a few times before nodding and heading to open the front door. Dan grabs the suitcase out of the back and follows his mum inside. To Phil’s delight, he hears a skitter of claws on the hardwood floor, and Colin rushes forward to pant happily at the two of them.

The suitcase quickly gets abandoned on the floor as Dan sinks down to properly play with the dog. Phil joins him, cooing at Colin and stroking his soft ears.

“Daniel! Come say hello to your grandmother!”

Dan’s head swivels toward the kitchen, his smile fading just a little bit.

“C’mon,” Phil whispers, standing up. He hesitates just a second before offering his hand to help Dan up. He expects Dan to pull away once he’s upright, but he just squeezes tighter around Phil’s fingers before leading the way into the kitchen.

“Hi, Nana!” he says. “It’s great to see you.”

“Come give me a hug, love.”

Dan practically falls into his grandmother’s arms, clutching her tightly to his chest, and Phil’s heart hurts in the best way possible, and some of the anxiety in his body lessens. Dan may have spoken nonchalantly in his video about the possibility of cutting off his family, but Phil had been there before every trip home that Dan had sworn he was finally going to tell his family. He’d been there while Dan had written and rewritten that email. He’d been there when Dan had sobbed with relief while reading his nana’s message back to him. Cutting anyone out of his life would have hurt like hell, but none more than Nana.

Fortunately, that hadn’t happened.

He finally releases her. Phil hears him take a steadying breath. “So. Um. I’d like you to officially meet my boyfriend.” His voice catches a little on that last word. They’re not used to saying it. They don’t even use it much amongst people who know they’re together. A lot of the time, it seems like too simplistic of a word to describe what they mean to each other.

“You picked a handsome one.” She winks conspiratorially at Phil, as though they hadn’t met numerous times before. She pulls him into a hug too.

“Told you I’m the good-looking one in this relationship,” Phil says over her shoulder, finally finding his voice. Dan makes an ugly face at him, and Phil giggles.

“Are you boys hungry?” she asks, letting Phil go. “I made some of those biscuits you enjoyed so much the last time you both visited. They’re probably still warm. But don’t go spoiling your appetite now. Dinner’s almost ready.”

“Are they those chocolatey ones?” Phil says, eyeing the counter eagerly.

“Way to be manipulative, Nana,” says Dan. “You know he has a sweet tooth.”

“Oh no, you’ve caught me, Dan. I made them just to win him over. Now that I know you’ve been with him for a decade, I need to make up for lost time!”

“Don’t worry, I think you’ve won the nana-in-law game,” says Phil, mouth already stuffed with biscuit.

Dan lets out a weird squeak of a laugh, and Phil looks up to see him blushing. He’s wearing the terrified-yet-ecstatic expression that Phil only sees when they push boundaries- hold hands in Ubers or press upload on particularly gay gaming videos. He’d last seen that expression when Phil had told him that his own coming out video was officially up for the world to see.

Dan shoots them both a quick, agitated look. “It’s nice to see you again, Nana. Um. I’m going to head upstairs. With our suitcase. It’s still by the front door.” He says this all very quickly before grabbing a biscuit off the counter and practically vanishing out of the room. Phil blinks, taken aback by his sudden departure.

“Er, I suppose I’ll go help him. Thanks for the biscuits, Veronica. They’re great.”  
Dan’s already halfway up the stairs with their suitcase. Phil follows him, shutting the door behind them once they’re safely in Dan’s old bedroom.

“That was weird, this is all so weird,” Dan says. “Why did we decide this was a good idea again? We should’ve just stayed in America.”

“Because _it is_ a good idea,” Phil says. He sits next to Dan on the bed and takes his hand. “And we both would’ve melted if we’d stayed in the desert much longer.”

“Or we could’ve stayed on the Isle of Man with your parents. It’s never weird with them.”

Phil hums patiently. There’s a lot he could say about how his own parents are different people than Dan’s family. How _of course_ it’s not weird with his own parents, because they’ve known about them being gay for _years_ now, and it would be weirder if his mum and dad _did_ give a lot of thought to them being a couple these days. But Dan knows all of these things. They’ve talked about it all before.

“I dunno what’s weirder, hearing Nana talk about our relationship, or that conversation in the car with Mum.” He flops back onto the bed, narrowly missing hitting his head against the wall. “Nope. Definitely Mum. I dunno what to say to her now.”

“She’s nervous too, Dan. She probably doesn’t know what she’s doing either.” Dan huffs out a sigh. Phil knows it’s not a noise directed at him, but at life in general. He tries again. “I think maybe you should just talk to her. Be honest with her, you know? Like what we talked about at home.”

“But the thought of having an actual deep conversation with her is so _upsetting,”_ Dan says, voice getting that overly-dramatic edge that Phil will always find equal parts cute and irritating.

“The hardest, scariest part is over though!” Phil says. “And I’ll be there. No matter what.”

“You will,” says Dan softly. He brings their still-joined hands to his lips and kisses Phil’s knuckles, before sitting back up. “I’m still not above using you as a human shield though. I was dead serious earlier. I will literally yeet you across the room as a distraction if things get awkward.” He’s got the beginnings of a cheeky grin on his face.

“As if. With those scrawny arms?”

“I _could._ I’ll prove it to you if you want.” Dan waggles his eyebrows, making Phil laugh.

“But remember that time you dropped me when you were trying to be sexy and carry me over to-”

Dan puts his hand over Phil’s mouth. “No! That never happened. You’re remembering wrong.”

Phil removes Dan’s hand, rolling his eyes fondly. “Sure. Now c’mon. I’m hungry. Your nana said there was dinner soon.”

“I swear your stomach is a bottomless pit.”

Dinner is pretty unremarkable, all things considered. No one talks about anything too serious- Dan and Phil’s recent trips to America and the Isle of Man, how Dan’s brother is doing, the current gossip of the neighbourhood bridge club, if Dan had brought the iPad (he had), the birdhouse Dan’s granddad is currently building, Karen’s job. Throughout it all, Dan and his mum seem to be making a concerted effort to converse casually and politely.

Phil’s stomach is still knotted with anxiety, like he’s waiting for something bad to happen. There’s a lot going unspoken here. Why is no one talking about it? The way Dan’s family handles things has always seemed foreign to Phil, who’s used to the dynamic of a close-knit family that tries to talk through things honestly and openly. Phil’s family isn’t perfect by any means, but he’s always taken a certain comfort in knowing they’ll listen to him about anything.

Dan’s family isn’t like his, for better or for worse. Phil understands that, has listened to him talk about it many times, and has experienced it when they come to visit. But even if he understands, it doesn’t make it any easier to be in this situation.  
After everyone’s finished eating, Dan’s grandparents shoo them away when they offer to help with the dishes.

“There’s time for washing up later,” his granddad says. “For now, we’ll make some tea for everyone.”

“Come join me in the lounge,” Karen says, and they follow her, Colin at their heels. She sits in her usual armchair, while they settle into the sofa. The dog curls up between the two of them, head in Dan’s lap.

“Dan, I wanted to say how sorry I am. About earlier, in the car.”

“Mum, it’s fine-”

“School was really that bad?”

Dan looks down at his feet and just nods. Phil wants to take his hand in comfort, or at least touch his knee or arm. He would without thought if it was his own mum sitting and talking to them. But they haven’t navigated boundaries in this situation yet, and Phil wants to play it safe, for Dan’s comfort as much as his own.

She pauses, and it looks like there’s a lot she wants to say, but what she eventually says is simply, “I’m sorry.”

“Me too.” Dan’s still looking down at the floor, even when his grandparents come into the room, carrying mugs of tea for all of them. When his granddad sets two on the coffee table in front of Dan and Phil, Colin lifts his head to sniff the air hopefully before deciding that tea is not a delicious treat to be excited about.

“It’s so nice to have so much life around this place again,” Veronica says. “Ever since your brother moved out, when me and Popsie come to visit your mum, it seems like dinners are so quiet.”

“You know that you’re always welcome here,” Karen says.

“And you’re always welcome ‘round ours.” Phil glances at Dan, who nods.

“It would be lovely to visit London again,” Veronica says.

“That would be nice.” Dan’s voice is soft.

“Or maybe we’ll wrangle you into helping us move,” Phil says.

“Oh, you’re moving again?” says Karen, and in this moment, it strikes Phil yet again how little Dan really tells his family.

“Yeah. We’ve been looking. We’re tired of renting,” Dan says.

“And we want a dog,” adds Phil, stroking at Colin’s ears.

“That’s actually the _only_ reason we’re moving,” Dan says fondly.

“Well, I’m sure the new place will be lovely,” Dan’s granddad says. “We can’t wait to visit.”

The rest of the evening goes in much the same way. They sip tea, and they decide to play a board game. Settlers of Catan is always more fun with more people, and the tension in Phil’s body slowly lessens as the night wears on. Playing board games is familiar and a thing he knows how to do. They all lose spectacularly to Dan’s grandma, who got lucky with the numbers on her tiles, and even though Dan only scores four points and complains dramatically about the unfairness of it all, he ends the game smiling.

It doesn’t feel like how it does when they play board games with their friends (fun alcohol-hazed nights filled with hilarious, brutal teasing). It’s not how it feels with Phil’s family, either (warm like Christmas Eve, no matter the time of year, but with a sharp competitive edge from everyone involved). This feels like something else, something new, something that can grow to be good.

When they head back upstairs, Dan decides to take a shower in an attempt to soothe his still too-tense muscles. Phil changes into his pyjamas and lounges on the bed for a minute before deciding that he really fancies another of those biscuits right now.

He slips downstairs, not expecting to run into anyone- Dan’s grandparents went home, and they’d left Karen sitting in the lounge. But Dan’s mum has moved and is now sitting at the dining table. She appears to be reading something in a three-ringed binder.

“Oh! Phil!” She closes the binder. It’s official-looking, and Phil thinks it might be for her job. “Did you need something?”

“Oh. I was just going to grab another biscuit.”

“My mum didn’t really start baking until Dan was born, you know,” Karen says, watching as Phil opens the tin of biscuits to grab several. “She said it was what a grandma should be like.”

“Well, I’m not complaining. She’s great at it.”

Karen makes a noise of acknowledgment. An awkward silence gapes between them. Phil likes Karen, and has met her many times over the years, but in this moment, it feels like there’s a giant rainbow elephant in the room that is yet again screaming that this is the first time she’s met him as _Phil-the-boyfriend_ rather than _Phil-the-best-friend._

“How has he been lately?” Karen says quietly, removing her glasses and setting them on top of the binder. “For years, he always said that he was fine every time I talked to him, but I always wondered if he wasn’t telling the truth.” She laughs humorlessly. “I suppose now I know that’s the case.”

Phil is quiet as he thinks about Dan these past few months. How relaxed he’s been as they’ve traveled and kept themselves busy with things other than work.

His delighted grin when he’d cut into his birthday cake and found a rainbow inside. How surprisingly content he’d been that whole evening, sitting in Bryony’s garden.

His restless energy for weeks after posting the video and how for once, the restlessness had come from excitement, from imagining all of the things he can do now without second-guessing himself.

His joy when Phil told him that he was going to make a coming out video too, how he’d helped film and edit and give Phil useful resources to put in the description.

Phil also thinks back on this whole past crazy year and a half, how hard Dan had worked during their tour and, late at night in a hotel in Finland, how he’d deliriously told Phil how having a purpose was making him so happy.

How the two of them have gone house-hunting together, and not once did either of them say, _this is where the AmazingPhil room could go._ They’d said, _this garden would be perfect for the dog,_ and _what if we made this into a feature wall,_ and _god Phil, you watch way too many home renovation shows._

How Dan still has bad mental health days, but they don’t last as long as they used to, and they both have ways to help themselves through it.

So how is Dan doing? “He’s doing amazing,” Phil finally says. “I’m so proud of him.”

Karen smiles. She looks tired. “I’m proud of him too.”

“Did you mean it when you said you’d come and visit?” Phil asks.

“Of course.”

Phil takes a deep breath. He hadn’t been planning on talking to Karen one-on-one like this. He’d fully planned on standing to the side and playing the role of supportive boyfriend so as to let Dan take the lead and do his own thing. But suddenly, he needs to have this conversation, even though it’s difficult. “The thing is, having to cut his dad out of his life was really hard for him. I dunno if you two have talked about it. But it was.” Phil pokes at some biscuit crumbs that are scattered across the table. “He was honestly afraid he would have to do the same with the rest of his family.”

“The thing with his dad was hard on all of us.” She looks away. “And it hurt like hell when I watched his video and he said that he had been prepared to cut ties with us. I know I’ve made mistakes, but I suppose I just want Dan to know that I’ll always love him. He’ll always be my son, even if I’ve done a shit job of expressing that in the past.”

“That’s what’s so great about the future,” he says, and she smiles at him. “We did mean it, Karen. Our door’s always open if you want to visit us. I know Dan would like it.”

“I will. I promise.” She steals a biscuit from him. “I watched your video too, you know. I think you’re pretty damn brave also.”

“Oh! Thanks.” Phil is a bit taken aback and not sure what he should say to that. He knows that in the past, Dan’s family hadn’t really watched his videos, not like Phil’s family does. He’s surprised that she’s watched his most recent one.

“So your family has known the whole time?”

Oh. He _really_ hadn’t been expecting this when he walked downstairs. Why is she talking to him instead of Dan? It’s in this moment that he realizes that he doesn’t actually think he’s ever had a serious conversation with any of Dan’s family members before, especially not alone like this.

“Er, well, yeah. They sort of guessed everything before I decided to tell them.” He shrugs. “I suppose they thought Dan was around too much for us to just be friends.”

“He always was heading up north that year before he moved out,” she muses. “I suppose sometimes I thought you two might be- but he always just got defensive about it when I asked, and I never bothered to press him about it.”

“It’s okay,” Phil says reflexively, and regrets it, because it’s not okay.

“So your parents have known for a while then? That Dan is gay?”

He nods. “They love Dan-” _like a son,_ he almost says, but he stops himself. It seems rude to flat-out tell her that Dan sometimes thinks of Kath as his mum more than he does Karen.

“It’s a lot to take in,” she mumbles. Phil waits patiently. “All of it. Even if I had some idea of what he wasn’t telling me.”

Phil tries not to squirm awkwardly in his chair. He stuffs half a biscuit in his mouth instead. For some reason, right now he’s thinking of all the holidays Dan has spent with the Lesters instead of his own family.

“What am I saying,” she says, shaking her head. “I didn’t mean to put all of my worried mum thoughts on you. I really just want to know Dan’s all right. It’s just hard talking to him sometimes.”

“I reckon he’d love to talk to you more, even if it’s hard. Like, he really loved that shirt you made for the marathon. He saved the picture to his phone.”

“I was proud of him for even trying.” She’s smiling widely now. “I’ve been trying to reach out more. I really want to have a better relationship with him in the future.” Phil smiles too. “And you know what? With you too. I’m so looking forward to getting to know my son-in-law better.”

Phil blushes despite himself.

He heads upstairs shortly after. He can’t hear the shower running anymore, but Dan’s not out of the bathroom yet. Phil settles onto the bed to wait for him, debating on when he should tell Dan about the conversation he’d just had. He doesn’t know how Dan will feel about it, but it feels strange and wrong to not tell him.

Dan steps into the room a short while later, hair damp, and wearing just his Game of Thrones pyjama bottoms. Phil smiles at him, then goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

When he returns, they curl close together in the bed. The lights are out, but neither of them are anywhere close to falling asleep, their brains too wired from the stress of the day.

“Everything feels so weird,” Dan says.

“Because we’re too tall to both be squashed into this tiny bed?” says Phil, voice muffled by Dan’s collarbone. He feels like a koala, curled up practically on top of Dan like this.

“Well, that too. If you knee me in the balls, I’m mailing you to Antarctica, you twat.”

Phil huffs out a laugh and straightens out his legs so there’s no danger of that happening. “Why do you think everything feels weird?”

Dan sighs. “Maybe I was just expecting things to be worse. Or better? I dunno. It just feels like every other time I’ve been around my family. They’re not making a big deal out of it.” He pauses. “Or talking about it at all. Is that weird? That they haven’t brought it up? It’s not like I even _want_ to talk about it, really.”

“I dunno. Like, when I came out, it wasn’t really a big deal for my parents because they already sort of knew. We’ve never actually talked about it much.”

“So maybe it’s the same with my family? They knew and they really don’t care?”

“Maybe.” Phil traces a finger along Dan’s arm. “I talked with your mum while you were showering.”

“What?”

“Yeah. It was sort of awkward. I don’t know if I’ve ever had a serious talk with her. But it was good? She really does care about you, Dan.”

Dan hums a monotone note. “A serious talk? Like what?”

“She wanted to know how you were doing, if you were all right. And she said she watched my video too.”

“Really? That’s a surprise.”

“Yeah. And I think she did kind of... suspect that we were together. Also, she called me her son-in-law.” He frowns a little. “It was kind of a surreal conversation.”

“Jesus. The things I miss just because I take a shower.”

“But it was nice too. I feel good about it.”

Dan rubs a hand along Phil’s shoulders. “Maybe I’m a little glad we came to visit.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Dan’s fingers are now tracing aimless circles on Phil’s back, and it feels soothing. Phil’s starting to drift off, when Dan says, “You think my mum would notice if we stole Colin and took him back with us?”

“Grand Theft Doggo,” mumbles Phil sleepily, which makes Dan bust out laughing, which he tries to stifle because it’s late.

“I fucking love you, you know.”

“What? I had no idea.”

Phil wakes up early the next morning, brain still confused and muddled from dreams. The room is a bit brighter than he’s used to, the bed a lot smaller. They’ve ended up practically on top of each other, limbs tangled, and Dan breathing softly on his shoulder. Phil lays there for a while, debating about getting his phone from the nightstand, but then deciding that it would require too much movement.

Dan stirs a short while later, but tries to bury his head into the covers, as though rejecting the notion of waking. Phil pokes him. “We should probably get up. Your mum probably doesn’t want us spending all of our time here asleep.”

_“Your mum,”_ Dan groans, pulling the duvet over his head entirely. Phil slips out of bed and pokes the Dan-shaped lump.

“C’mon, lazy.”

They dress, wash up, then head downstairs to find Dan’s mum sitting at the table with the same binder she was reading last night, plus a cup of coffee.

“Morning, Mum.”

“Dan! Would you boys like some breakfast? I haven’t got a lot, but I’ve got cereal, or bread for toast, or I suppose I can come up with some ingredients for pancakes-“

“Cereal’s fine for us.”

They sit there, crunching cereal as Karen sips coffee. No one says anything, and Phil’s a bit too tired to feel as anxious as he was yesterday, but he still feels the tension around him, watches how Karen traces the pattern on her coffee mug. Watches out of the corner of his eye how mechanically Dan is spooning cereal into his mouth, how his shoulders are held stiffly, how his gaze is darting around. He’s always watching Dan and can read him so well.

“Dan?” Karen’s voice is quiet but firm. “Can we talk?”

Dan pauses mid-crunch. “’Course.”

“I just- I was thinking a lot yesterday. I know talking’s never been… our thing. But I didn’t want you to head back to London without me saying some things.”

Dan swallows, and sets his spoon down. “Okay. I’m listening.”

“Dan. I’m not going to pretend that I was the best mum ever. There’s a lot I regret. I keep thinking of everything I should have done differently. I should have spent more time with you. I should have left your father sooner. I should’ve-”

“Have- have you heard from him?” Dan whispers. “Does he know?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay.” Phil’s heart aches for him. Dan may never want to see his father again, but Phil knows it still hurts him.

“But you know what?” Karen continues. “There’s no going back. Shit happened, and we got through it.” She glances away. “I’m so fucking sorry you felt so bad about your life that you once thought about- well. You know.”

(They all know.)

“Me too,” Dan says.

“You know what though? More than anything, I’m really fucking proud of you. You’re so strong, Dan. More than you know. I know I said it before, but it must be such a relief to finally tell us all of this.”

Dan smiles, and he looks her in the eyes for the first time this morning. “It is.”

\---

It always feels good to be back at home after trips, no matter the length. Phil’s as happy to see their sofa and houseplants now as he was when they got back from months of touring.

It’s getting late, and his eyes feel itchy, so while Dan brings the suitcase into their room, he heads to the bathroom to take out his contacts and put his glasses on. When he goes back to their room, he finds Dan faceplanted into the bed.

“You okay, bub?” he asks softly, laying down next to him.

Dan turns his face towards Phil. “Yeah. Just tired, I think.”

“Me too. You want Domino’s tonight?”

“Fuck yeah. I was thinking the same thing. It’s a Domino’s sort of night.”

They stay there quietly for a while, Phil stroking through Dan’s curls with gentle fingers.

“Want to know something weird?” Dan says eventually.

“Not if it’s some weird, obscure kinky thing you want to tell me about just to traumatize me.”

Dan snorts. “Nah, mate. For once, not about that.” He leans his head into Phil’s touch a bit more. “It’s just. Whenever I’ve been around my family before, I’ve always felt this underlying urge to, like, _fight._ Like, I could never just relax, because what if they knew? What if they weren’t okay with it? With me?” He sighs. “And now they know, and it’s all right because I know they accept me. I guess it just feels weird that suddenly, I don’t have to be ready to fight and run anymore. I can just _live.”_

“Change feels weird. Even good change.”

“Did you feel that with your parents? Back then?”

“I dunno. I remember feeling like a huge weight was lifted off me when I knew I didn’t have to lie anymore. Mostly I was excited, I think. That I could finally tell them about you.”

“I felt that too.” His voice is warm. “It felt _so good_ to finally call you my boyfriend to my family.“

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Dan fidgets, plucking absentmindedly at stray thread on the hem of Phil’s shirt. “It’s just, part of me still feels that urge to fight. But I think a bigger part of me wants to really try being more open to my mum.”

“And you _can_ be open now. This is your life now. Our life.”

“I know. It’s sort of great.” He smiles softly. “Hey, Phil?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I’m really looking forward to the future.”

Phil presses his mouth gently against Dan’s before drawing back. They’ll order pizza soon, but for now, they’ll lie here quietly. Phil listens to them breathe, feels Dan’s body against his. It’s them, they’ve made it to this point, and he’s so damn proud of them.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Reblog on tumblr [here!](https://possumdnp.tumblr.com/post/187124621050/from-the-starting-line-rated-t-59k-summary-dan)


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